A scathing review of Jade Asian Restaurant & Bar

I've always wanted to write a scathing review.

Maybe it's because I find comfort in complaining, I don't know. Sure, I mostly write about things I like and want to suggest to others, but I know in my heart of hearts that I am capable of true scathe. The problem is that I've never found anything warranting a brutal scathe until yesterday.

Jade Asian Restaurant & Bar is getting my first genuinely scathing review.

I realize this photos still has it's watermark from iStock... but it is exactly what I wanted (I actually Googled "you suck fortune cookie"). I can't afford to purchase it and I can't afford not to post it.

As one strolls into Midtown Global Market on Lake Street in Minneapolis, Jade is sitting there, smugly bereft of customers. It's like, "Hey, I have a super high-traffic location but still no one eats here. And still I am in business. Ha!"

Yesterday, my hungry boyfriend and I passed Jade on the way into MGM. The BF saw "Seafood Buffet" and insisted we eat there, even though I expressed hesitation because it is always empty and there were plenty of other things I would have rather eaten (gyro at Holy Land, huarache at Los Ocampo, torta from Manny's, etc.). But since I get to pick the restaurant often enough, I decided to let the man have his seafood buffet.

Three other tables were seated at 7 p.m., more than I've ever seen there before. The one and only server greeted us after we waited a minute or two at the front. By "greeted" I mean that she frowned and said "Two?" She brought us to a terrible table among the many, many others in the restaurant. She continued to be provide middling service throughout the meal, and never once smiled.

The BF got an early start and went up to the buffet while I was in the restroom. As I sat down, he discreetly suggested that I order something off the menu because the buffet was pretty bad so far. His plate of mostly fried oceanites had a certain sitting-under-the-heat-lamp-too-long gleam to them, so I went for the menu. I chose the Hunan Chicken, which came out of the kitchen in less than three minutes. Um... WHOA.

While I appreciate the hustle, this tells me something about how the kitchen works. They have some sort of vat of pre-cooked chicken back there that they throw in with different sauces to make different dishes. I understand that many Asian restaurants probably work this way, but it totally grossed me out.

The Hunan Chicken was so bland and generic that I can't even describe it without dozing off. The only decent thing was that it came with a lot of vegetables. It had a spicy pepper icon on the menu but I could barely even taste the soy sauce in it, let alone any heat... zzZZzzz. I ate a few bites and asked for a box so that I could re-make at home. Today, after throwing in fresh ginger, onion, garlic, black pepper, red pepper flakes, soy sauce and corn starch to thicken the sauce, it was OK. And I mean, just OK---not even good.

The seafood buffet was a colossal failure too. My BF will eat almost anything (including microwaved chicken sandwiches from SuperAmerica and the Asian delicacy balut) but he stopped after about 1.5 tiny platefuls of unsavory food. We made it through the meal by eating crab rangoon, which was also just OK. It's hard to mess up cream cheese and fried wonton wrappers, but it's also easy to make them better than OK. Am I right? Add some green onions, Jade. For crying out loud.

By the end of our unpleasant stay, we were the only surviving customers in the restaurant, hanging on by the thread of hope that The Salty Tart would still be open so we could erase the taste of Jade from our mouths and minds and replace it with sweet, blueberry cheesecake crumble. Thank God it was open. Thank. God.